For Hayden

Whenever I get ready to go to Utah, I always get a little depressed. I miss Hayden so much and it just brings back awful memories that make me wish I would have died with Hayden that night. I don't remember much from that night, but this is what I do know.

I had gone to the doctor Friday the 21st of February because I wanted a new nausea medicine. Dr. Barton took one look at me and made me go to the University of Utah Hospital. My Mother-In-Law drove me there and it seemed to take an hour to get there. I walked into Labor and Delivery and then collapsed into a wheel chair. They called Robert at work and told him I was going to die. They then did an ultrasound and told me that Hayden had died.

My kidneys had completely shut down and I was on my way out. My blood went completely septic and I had to have 4 transfusions. I remember hearing Robert on the phone with my Parent's telling them to hurry, because I wasn't going to be around much longer. They drove all through the night to get there as fast as they could. Robert never left my side.

I remember giving birth to Hayden in the ICU at 2:25 am on the 22nd. I told the Nurses I didn't want to scream because it meant I was a wimp. I obviously was not in my right mind. I remember it hurting really bad and just wanting to go to sleep and keep him with me. I remember screaming for my Mom and crying hysterically. My Brother and Father-In-Law gave me a blessing and I fell asleep. The next thing I knew it was 9am and I was starving. I ate 4 breakfasts and the doctors wanted me to eat more but I was really stuffed. Robert called my parents to tell them a miracle had happened and I was going to live. I cried because I didn't want to live. Apparently Heavenly Father had other plans for me.

Then about 20 doctors and students came in my room and they all asked me the exact same questions. They were very annoying and insisted that these things just don't happen and that they had never seen or heard of anything like this before. I was a Medical Mystery. I then decided that I wanted to see Hayden and hold him to say goodbye. Then they moved me from the ICU that evening and we planned Hayden's Funeral. We called the Mortuary and they came and picked him up.

Then they moved me into a large private room later that evening. It was so nice! I had lost all of my strength and had to re-learn everything. I had to walk around the entire Hospital in one shot, before they would let me go home. They made me eat foods that were high in fat and calories, because I had lost 50lbs. and was down to 99lbs. I looked like a walking corpse. My Doctor came to check on me everyday, even tough it wasn't his hospital. We would come everyday after work and stay for an hour and do his own examination. He even gave me many blessings. I spent the next 3 days eating and gain my strength back. I went home on February 25th.

Hayden's Funeral was February 26th. We kept it very simple. We had a small graveside service. Robert, my Brother and Robert's Brother Eric carried the small marble casket from the hearse. My Mom gave the Opening Prayer. Dr. Barton spoke and said many kind things about Hayden(Only in Utah is your OB-GYN a Bishop in his own ward). Robert Dedicated the grave. We sang I am a Child of God. Robert's Mom gave the Closing Prayer. We stayed for awhile, cried and said our goodbye's. There were so many in attendance. Robert's Aunt's were there. His brother's and sister's. My Parent's, my Brother and his Family, and even Dr. Barton.

I am looking forward to seeing Hayden and talking with him to fill him in on all the new and exciting things that have happened in our Family in the last year. I always take him Sterling Roses. My Mother-In-Law is taking me Wednesday evening to see Hayden. While we're there we'll also visit with Janell, Robert's sister who was also stillborn and who Aurora is named after.

I miss him everyday and wish he was here. I know that I will get to be with him someday and raise him. That knowledge is the only thing that makes life bearable.