This time of year...

I start thinking of my little Hayden Andrew who never got the chance to see this world. Sometimes I think that I have a right to be angry with Heavenly Father for taking him away from me, but I have to remind myself that he was never mine to begin with and that Heavenly Father must have really needed him for something very important otherwise he'd be here laughing and smiling with us. I also have to remind myself of the fact that he was too perfect to be here. He didn't have anything to learn, all he needed was a body. More often than not I wish that I could have died that night with him. All of the doctors agreed that it was a miracle I survived and that I should be grateful to be alive. There are days when I want to hide away from the world and pretend that I don't exist, but then I look at Sage and Aurora and I know why Heavenly Father didn't take me home that night. There were two children that needed me to be their Mother. I know that Hayden is being taken care of and is looking down on us and waiting for the day when we will be reunited as a family. You may wonder how I know this and this might sound crazy but I have seen him and I know that will see him again and that I will have the chance to raise him.

The nurse's in ICU took this for Robert after I gave birth in the ICU because they didn't think I would make it and they wanted him to have a picture of his son.


Hayden's Headstone in the SLC Cemetery in Utah.